SNL impersonated me over the weekend, you can watch it by pressing the play button on this neat Hulu thing (I guess one good thing did come out of Hawaii!).
I don't want to complain, I think they were mostly fair, although I never said I could see Russia from my house, obviously. I was still kind of disappointed though.
I am actually a big Tina Fey fan, everyone around here loves "30 Rock" (true fact--a lot of Alec Baldwin's lines on that show are taken verbadim from the Republican Party Platform). But I thought she must have had an off night, I just didn't see the resemblance. So it was kind of a letdown. That, plus no good catch phrases ("sock it to me" etc.), so I don't really see how they could make this impression of me a regular feature. I mean they can keep making fun of my accent (although that is kind of a cheap shot) but what else is there?
Hey folks just wanted to say I think Im going on a fishing trip for a bit, no real reason really, but I'll probly not be picking up my mail/email/phone for a while & I'm not sure exactly where I'll be or when I'll be back, dont try to get in touch.
Of course I taped this interview with Charlie earlier, but if you've ever been interviewed you know that it is just a *blur*. When I saw it there was so much I didn't remember! Todd and I decided to go out to watch it somewhere and kind of make a night of it, so we called around a bunch of restaurants to see who might be showing it and ended up at the bar at an Applebee's downtown (side note: they have all you can eat riblets right now, Todd was in seventh heaven).
I guess this is the part of the interview that everyone is talking about
You know what? I think that was pretty darn good! OK, I admit I didn't know what the "Bush Doctrine" was. I kept hearing it as "Bush doctor in," that's why I said "in what?", because it seemed like Charlie had just trailed off. Also did he mean a Bush doctor like for the President or a bush doctor like a voodoo guy? I had to stall and think fast. For the record, YES, now I know what Bush Doctrine means, they told me as soon as I got back (it's how we explain that we're going to fight bad countries before it's totally sure that they're up to no good, just to be safe).
I guess I understand why people are making a big deal out of this part of the interview, but guess what, there are literally HUNDREDS of things Charlie could have asked me about, it's just not possible to be an expert on all of them. Ask any politician, a huge huge part of the job is pretending you know what somebody else is talking about until you can turn it around into something you feel more comfortable with (ie taxes, God, etc). This usually works really well, frankly I think Charlie was being kind of impolite/sexist and trying to make me look bad. But overall I got through it and that's what counts.
I did use a couple of tricks to keep my cool though.
1. You know how they say to picture people naked or as a moose? Well I'm not that comfortable doing that, and Charlie has those glasses that slide so low on his nose, so I tried to just picture him as Dumbledore! (I know I wrote about how the Harry Potter books are wrong the other day, and I still believe that and will not read them. But we've been watching a lot of movies while we travel around (Todd has downloaded a TON onto his new laptop), and the Harry Potter movies have been some of them, and they seem OK) So anyway I tried to picture Charlie as Dumbledore who seems very kind (although Charlie seemed more like Dumbledore from after the first movie, when he got sort of mean).
2. This one was hard to learn, but Steve taught me that every time I want to say "um" I should say "Charlie" instead. I'm pretty good at it now, but I don't know how many other interviews with reporters named Charlie they're going to be able to line up before I have to go back to square one.
3. Sometimes I get frustrated when I'm answering a question, a little trick for that is to sort of punch at the air (I was picturing Mike's stupid fat face). You can see I start to do that a lot near the end of the Youtube.
#1 ended up not helping that much, but the other two worked a trick!
I guess a lot of you already know that "liberel" isn't a real word. But it sure was news to me! And now my face is as red as a mooseburger cooked up rare and painted in lipstick!
You folks probably deserve an explanation, since I might be president some day and be writing emails to other world leaders and such. So here goes: Lots of you--some pretty unkind--emailed me to tell me how "liberel" was really spelled. Like this one guy who, for purposes of synonymity we'll call Joe B... or wait, no. I don't like the sound of that. Let's call him J. Biden, instead.
Hey, Sarah, I'm literally really looking forward to debating you, but I'm having kindof a huge problem, and I was hoping you could help. It's not about winning; if you win or I win, doesn't matter. And I wish you luck. Literally. But if I literally clobber you--and, no offense, when I read your blog, it makes me think I will--then it might make me look like a bully and backfire on me. And that's not right. Winners should get to enjoy winning. Imagine if Todd wasn't allowed to keep all his snow machine medals because they thought he'd won by "too much". It just wouldn't be fair.
So I figure you should educate yourself, and you can start by reading the dictionary. I mean, hasn't anybody pointed out to you by now that the word is spelled "liberal" and not "liberel"? I mean c'mon! Don't computers in Alaska have spell-check?!
Anyhow, I'm sure you're getting good instruction from John's folks, so hopefully you'll be up to snuff when we go at it in a few weeks.
Literally yours, Sen. xxxxx, (D-Del.)
Ok, duh, Mr. Anonymoose. Computers in Alaska are the same as computers in Deleware. And yes, I admit, my computer did keep underlining the word 'liberel' in red. Usually trust my computer's dictionary! Honest I do! But this one just didn't sit right with me. I mean, first of all, Mr. McCain keeps talking about all these good "classical liberal" things that he says he believes in and that would make Cindy richer, and HE'S not a liberel. And Mr. Bush, well he talks about bringing "liberal democracy" around the world, and he HATES liberels. Add that to the fact that "liberels" like to hang out in the "liberery" (and read those sin books) and I just decided the computer was wrong. Can you blame me?
Anyways, joke's on me, because Mr. Bush and Mr. McCain were just using different definitions of the same word. Apparently in English-teacher terms, that's called a "homophone", which I always thought was an accessory for people with good gaydar, but I guess we learn a few new things about words every day.
So there's the explanation. But just because I know more about the word "liberal" don't get all upset if I mess up a few more times. It's hard to teach an old bull dog new tricks.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised by this. Matt Demon is one of those east-coast abortion and science lovers that are ruining this country. First off, Matt Demon, it would make an AWESOME Disney movie and we are already in talks with there people to get this movie made. The mom from Everybody Loves Raymond is going to play me (I think Jamie Lee Curtis would actually be better at playing me, but she is a stupid liberel) and Tom Selleck is going to be Todd. I don't want to give the plot of the movie away but I can promise that it is going to have lots of comedy and jokes. Second, Matt Demon, why don't you try and make realistic action movies like Red Dawn instead of all those totally fake Jason Born movies (as governor of Alaska I live with the reality that the Soviet Union and Cuba could attack at anytime- something Matt Demon doesn't have to worry about).
I mean, really, where do you get off Matt Demon? Instead of hating America why don't you just go to Afganistan and try to live there and that way people will never have to here about your stupid ideas. I hate you so much!!!!1!! You are the worst movie star ever and I hope you and Ben Affleck get a stupid disease and have STUPID LIVES with your muscles and boyish good looks and your carisma!
Oh, what's the use...I have to admit to all of you that Matt's comments REALLY hurt me. I can take it when my two-faced friends in Alaska say that they might not vote for me (to you 'ladies'- don't be surprised if your husbands end up taking an unplanned trip to Cuba when I am VP), but this is Matt Damon we are talking about. I know that he is a liberel and hates me but I was really hoping that if I was Vice President he and I could hang out, maybe have a couple of drinks, listen to some music. Nothing inappropriate (don't worry- Todd! You are the only one for me!), just two friends spending some time together, but I guess that isn't possible now :(
I guess a lot of people are surprised about this business at the Interior Department. I'm not sure why, if anyone had bothered to ask me I could have told them Interior girls are TOTAL SLUTS. You know when Jordan Sparks said not everyone wants to be a slut at the VMAs? Well she was not talking about this department. (BTW I think it's totally courageous what Jordan said, and especially to do it on MTV!)
The world of resource extraction is actually pretty small and everyone knows everyone else's business. And every year at the Energy Expo it's the same thing: after the awards are all handed out the Interior people hang around late, cracking jokes with the Oil & Gas boys and deciding where they're going to go to make trouble. I used to try to convince them to go with me to the midnight movie or cosmic bowling, but they always just want to drive out to the quarry and smoke "J's" and listen to rap music (one time I tried going with them but all it did was make me sick, I'm STILL regretting it whenever I'm interviewed). At this point I've given up trying, they can do what they want.
I wish they would think about how their behavior reflects on President Bush and especially on Laura, though. I think they've done the best they could with the department, but those girls are just out of control. And I know some people will want to point the finger the OG boys, but if you actually talk to them you know that they're really good guys. With all the makeup and slutty pantsuits that those girls wear I don't think you can really blame them.
Anyway I hate to say I told you so, but anyone with half a brain could see this coming a mile away. The wages of sin!
I was 50-50 on posting this, because Bristol knows a lot about the internet and she swears it's fake. And I know she's probably right, but I would be kicking myself if I didn't check it out (especially since I am already sick of making fund raising calls, and this seems like it might be a good way out of that). So I got this today
FROM THE INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT,
BARCLAYS BANK PLC,
38 HANS CRESCENT KNIGHTBRIDGE,
LONDON SW1X 0LZ-
UNITED KINGDOM.
ATTENTION:
I AM ROBERT DAVID FROM BARCLAYS BANK LONDON; I CONTACTED YOU SO THAT WE CAN WORK TOGETHER AS ONE. FURTHERMORE, I WANT YOU TO RECIEVE THIS FUND THROUGH YOUR BANK ACCOUNT OR THROGH COURIER SERVICE. ONCE THIS FUND IS TRANSFERED INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, YOU WILL SEND FOR ME TO COME AND VISIT YOU SO THAT WE WILL KNOW HOW TO USE THIS MONEY TO THE GLORY OF OUR LORD.YOU WILL USE IT FOR THE PROPERGATION OF CHARITY WORK LIKE HELPING THE NEEDY ONES LIKE DEAF PEOPLE AND THE MOTHERLESS BABIES IN THE WORLD AS MRS ANITA KAKOU INSTRUCTED MY BANK HERE.
THEREFORE, THIS IS TO INFORM YOU THAT (MRS ANITA KAKOU) WHO HAD TRANSFERED HER MONEY ($14.000.000.00USD) INTO OUR BANK (BARCLAYS BANK LONDON) HERE IN UNITED KINGDOM THROUGH OUR CORESPONDENCE IN AFRICA (BANK OF AFRICA) AND INSTRUCTED TO REMITTE THESE FUND INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT TO ENABLE YOU USE THE FUND FOR THE PROPERGATION OF CHARITY WORK, HELPING HER FELLOW DEAF PEOPLE AND THE MOTHERLESS BABIES IN THE WORLD AS SHE IS ONE OF THEM.
THE BANK NEEDS THE FOLLOWING OF YOUR INFORMATIONS BELOWS:
(1)YOUR FULL NAME AND ADDRESS,
(2)YOUR TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS,
(3)THE NAME OF THE RECEIVING BANK AND ADDRESS, WITH TELEPHONE AND FAX
NUMBERS.
(4)YOU SHOULD ATTACH A COPY OF YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT.
ALL THIS INFORMATIONS MENTIONED ABOVE ARE WHAT OUR BANK NEEDS IN OTHER TO REMITTE/TRANSFER THESE FUNDS INTO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT WITHOUT TIME BEING WASTED.YOUR URGENT REPLY WILL BE HIGHLY APPRECIATED SO THAT I CAN BE ABLE TO PUT A LETTER TO MY BANK.
BEST REGARDS,
DR.DAVID ROBERTS.
Like I said I know it's *probably* fake, but the thing is I used to get emails like this from ConocoPhillips and Exxon Mobil pretty much all the time. Usually they'd ask me to have lunch first though, and they wouldn't want my passport unless they were going to fly me out for a seminar on one of those Pacific islands. So that makes me suspicious. But I figured I should at least ask you guys, does anyone know a lawyer or a bank guy who could look at this for me?
Sarah, hunny, I tried to call you earlier because I had this totally totally awesome idea (like Leonard Skinner cool!) and I wanted to run it by you but I guess you were probably out on the champagne trail and so I thought I'd post it here and maybe you can read it when you get back on the Cake Walk Express.
So about that idea. I've been looking at all the tshirts and posters you and Mr. McCain have had printed up and frankly they are pretty weak. And no offense to Mr. McCain, but some shirts with pictures of younger guys might sell better with the ladies. So I had an idea about this. I figured what with me being a champion snowmobiler and also a pretty fair moose gunner, why not (ok here's the idea) make a shirt with a picture of me doing both at the same time! (Get it? That's why I titled the post what I titled it.) I can just imagine how fierce I would look steering my machine with one hand and firing off my rifle with the other, and I thought you'd think it was pretty hot too. So that's all. I bet it would sell a ton of shirts, tho.
Speaking of snow mobiles I should probably talk about this because I've been getting a lot of emails. Yes, OF COURSE I know that they are called snow machines, not snowmobiles. Do you seriously think a multi-time Iron Dog winner would not know that?
Here's the thing that people don't realize, in some of the 48 conspicuous states they call 'snow machines' 'snow mobiles' and the things they call 'snow machines' ACTUALLY MAKE SNOW (or a thing that acts like snow, since real snow is made by God.) I know, its ridiculous. But I figure this blog is about reaching out to people so if folks from Outside want to call them snowmobiles it wouldnt be polite for me to expose their ignorance. Thats not how you win votes.
Alright, I guess I'll see you later (fingers crossed!!) Love you, baby.
Wow, if it's not one thing it's another. Now the Main Streamed Media are talking about me banning books in Wasilla blah blah blah. Doesn't the press have anything better to do than chase down old stories about me? Hey Nedra Pickler (cool name by the way!), how would you feel if I poked around in your past and then wrote stories about it and then published them in newspapers?!? The media and everyone are taking this whole "public servant" thing so seriously, honestly it kind of makes them look silly. Who cares what I "did" or "didn't do" as "mayor" or "governor." I'm not being elected the vice president of WHAT ALREADY HAPPENED, I'm being elected the vice president of the FUTURE. And the only way you can tell the future is by looking at (a) the love in my heart for Alaska/the USA/God and (b) whether my family is getting raised right.
So about that whole banning books and firing librerians thing (also: for some reason reporters never just CALL me to ask me about what happened! The campaign hired a nice girl named Becky to answer my phone, and I keep asking Becky if any reporters have called and but she says nope, none at all. I wish they would because I'd totally love to talk to them the banned book stuff, my foreign policy ideas, etc!!) But I guess since they don't care enough to call I will just talk about the issue right here.
LIBEREL QUESTION: Did you want to ban books from Wasilla. MY ANSWER: Of COURSE I did. Would you want to ban a Nazi from your baby's crib? Would you want to ban a Muslim terrorist from your child's kindergarten? Because it's basically the same thing with these books.
LIBEREL QUESTION: Did you actually ban any books from Wasilla. MY ANSWER: No because I knew the librarian wouldn't let me. So some of them I had Track sneak out in his hockey bag and other ones I just hid behind the Ranger Rick display stand.
LIBEREL QUESTION: So What books did you want to ban. MY ANSWER: Well Mr. Reporter I am so glad you asked me that because now I can warn other parents about these dangrous books.
The Golden Compass by Philip Pulman Some people say that I banned this book because it is against religion and God. To tell you the truth I listened to the whole book on cassette like four times and I didn't hear ANY of that anti-religion stuff! come to think of it, I also am not so sure that those Narnium books are about religion either--except for maybe on Noah's ark I don't remember any talking lions in the Bible. But anyway, the truth is that I banned the Golden Compass because if its completely inaccurate portrayal of Polar Bears. Polar Bears are a dangerous threat and this book made them seem honorable, etc. If I let this book be read by alaska children it could undo all the hard work I did in trying to get rid of the Polar bear menace in Alaska.
Harry Potter by Jay K. Rowling ARGH so here is the thing: a couple years ago Piper and Willow both wanted to be Hermoany for Halloween. every day they were all whine whine blah blah blah I get to be Hermoany no I do no I do and I was all GUYS BE QUIET I AM TRYING TO BE MAYOR. Finally Willow snuck into the Tidbits Jar in the fridge, which she KNOWS is off limits, and stole a moose kidney and put it right in Piper's cereal!! That was the last straw--todd and I were saving those for our anniversary jerky. So I took the books away from them as punishment but i figure probly lots of other Wasilla parents are dealing with the same kinds of problems, plus other parents in America, so if I was Vice President I would ban the whole book.
Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman One thing that's important to know about me is that I make my decisions based on Evidence. In fact I am a lot like someone on the show History Detectives, except in the present. This time my evidence came from the neighbor of the woman who cut my hair. Annie (the woman who cuts my hair, she is FANTASTIC, if you have fine hair that also has a ton of body you should totally go to her, email me for her number) told me that her neighbor's daughter Christine read this book her very first semester at the U of Alaska. When Christine came back for Thanksgiving she was acting really weird and finally her mother confronted her and it turned out that christine had become a Vegatarian. honestly I can't even imagine, I know that my Bristol would never do anything like that. Even though Annie says her neighbor is a very nice woman I have to think that she also must have raised that child a little wrong if you know what I mean, but still I bet that this Leaves of Grass book had a lot to do with it. Leaves of grass are for cows/moose/etc NOT for people!!
